With only 3 days remaining of my 365 day challenge, I want to share the 3 major things that I have learnt, re-learnt or consolidated this year that help me to rise above a life interrupted. Let us start with the obvious one.
Non-surprising research reveals the quality of our relationships is in direct proportion to the quality of our happiness.
Mystics and philosophers, religious leaders and even company CEOs have been heard to say that human connection – quality relationships – are paramount when it comes to the pursuit of happiness. Interestingly, researchers – actual scientific researchers – have come up with the same thing. Amazing.
An Emotional Life was a television series released earlier this year which explores this ‘breakthrough’ scientific research (and it appears to be viewable online for a small fee). Amongst other things, how well, how deeply and how intimately we relate to others is a non-negotiable when it comes to feeling happy with one’s life.
When we remove ourselves voluntarily from our families, our support networks, our socially constructed fortresses to live in a place where we only know the members of our immediate family, we experience an incredible sense of loss. Even though these networks and people still exist, we no longer exist in their immediate circles of influence and this for most of us, is experienced as almost a physical pain. In many ways we spend the rest of our expat lives trying to reconstruct that previous base of human connection in order to feel whole again. Sometimes we get close, we have it back temporarily or we gain it for a while and then we or others move on and we suffer the loss again. Some expats begin to resist and close off from truly close relationships in the hope of preventing these deep feelings of loss when they or others move on.
One of my most simple and most favorite tips this year has been – do not do this. Additional research suggests that humans behave emotionally first and rationally second – thank goodness. Love good, love hard and love long whether people are in your immediate space and sphere or not. Seek like-minded and like-hearted people out, make that first move, open yourself up to loss by inviting friendship in. When it doesn’t work, don’t walk away – give it time and attention and then make a decision as to whether it feeds or frightens you. Reach out and look to others who are reaching out to you. We are all we have got – even when that friendship gene pool seems mighty shallow.
And with your intimate relationships – maintain strong, healthy, honest, fearless, cherishable communication. You have already proved just how important that person is to you – you have chosen to walk the road less travelled with them. Risk all emotionally with them to love and be loved deeply.
I asked some expats I know to see just how well their partners knew them and how they felt about their expat experiences. What I wanted to know was, if they would answer questions about each other’s feelings in the same way. So often we feel close to our life partners and feel we understand each other, yet how often do we actually check in just to make sure? To make sure there are no misinterpretations or assumptions?
This New Years, I challenge you to check in with your significant other – and vice versa – to see if what you think you know and understand about each other is in fact true. Here is what one expat couple risked and I believe, won….
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‘Dan’ 50 years of age – British and has lived in England, Japan, Norway and U.S.for 13 expat years – 10 with his partner Sarah.
‘Sarah’ 56 years of age – German and has lived in Japan and recently the US as an expat for only 9 months.
1. On a scale of 1 – 10 (with 10 being ecstatic) how happy do you think Sarah is as an expat spouse and why did you choose that number?
Dan: 4/10 Because she’s not very happy being an expat. (Sarah: 4/10 I think he’s spot on…I’m happy being with him, but don’t feel like I’ve found my life here yet…still feel like I left a lot back in Japan…)
2. What are the three top things Sarah loves about the expat lifestyle?
Dan: She doesn’t like the expat lifestyle…so how can you have 3 top things..? (Sarah: 1) We have more time together in the evenings, 2) I am closer to my daughter in New York 3) …?)
3. What are the three worst things your partner dislikes about the expat lifestyle?
Dan: Being away from Japan, not having true independence and having to start a social lifestyle from scratch again. (Sarah: Being away from my mother and friends, having to depend on him for everything and not having close friends here… I think he understands.)
4. How long do you think you will continue living as an expat and what would make you give it up?
Dan: Might be forever…? Losing my job would make me give it up. (Sarah: As long as his work is abroad we will live abroad. If he were transferred back to Japan, I would gladly go back…!)
5. What are the three top things that you feel your partner believes attracts you to the expat lifestyle?
Dan: I think she feels that better pay and working conditions, more opportunities for travel and a multi-cultural environment attract me (Sarah: I think that more challenging work, being part of a larger technical community and more opportunities for advancing his career are what attracts him.)
6. If you could change one thing to improve your partner’s quality of expat life, what would that one thing be and why?
Dan: Help her to feel more independent and make new friends, because I feel that she would be happier that way. (Sarah: Not sure what he could do for me…it’s more my attitude that needs to change and I’m working on it!).
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Whether the ‘right’ or the same answers are there or not, there is genuine care and compassion within those answers. And that is the silver lining on both their clouds. Sometimes even the most basic things we feel are shared understandings and knowledge however, aren’t. Filling in the gaps or finding out new information can be both enlightening and consolidating. I am so grateful to ‘Dan’ and ‘Sarah’ for sharing their honest answers – and I challenge you to ask those same questions of your partners to find out how aligned your answers are – risk all and see where it leads you.
Coaching question: How helpful do you think it would be to truly understand our partner’s viewpoints and how could this help our most intimate connections support us in our expat lives?
Tip 36something: When you think your are deep enough, see if you can go a little deeper. There just might be gold down there.
A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world
